One of the greatest challenges many of my older friends face is what feels like a generational shrinking away from being sad, or from any "negative" feelings. In talking to them, the sense of keeping your feelings to yourself - better yet, not to feel them in the first place - seems fairly universal, shared by people from a full spectrum of social, economic & spiritual backgrounds.
It's a challenge, because feelings that are buried away unfortunately don't go away. But to acknowledge, accept them - that's unimaginable to a vast number of olders. It's a delicate situation for children & other loved ones to consider. How to help them realize that mourning is not a weakness, but a healing response to loss?
In my birth faith, the process was further complicated for people of my Mom's age by a teaching about not revealing "secrets of the home." More heartbreak was perpetuated by spouses & children staying silent about abuses that did unimaginable damage, unspeakable because God meant for them to remain family secrets. In my situation, that was an actual church teaching, but many other families embracing many other faiths had the same belief. I know how hard it was for Mom to let go, to feel it was okay to open up about the tragedies & heartbreak in her life. Mom really double-whammied herself, not talking to friends or even ministers about life challenges, believing their resolution was strictly between herself & God. That still strikes me as chilling. And wondering how many of her contemporaries - of all faiths - feel the same.
It was a shock to Mom when she discovered - with the help of a remarkably gifted psychologist - that dealing with hurtful moments from the past helped her shift past them, beyond their reach. She was astonished to realize how often sad past events had served as a foundation for something wonderful. As she wrote in The Velveteen Grammie - "One key lesson learned over the past few years is that even unhappy events can bring unexpected opportunities. Going back to Margery Williams' book (The Velveteen Rabbit), if the Boy had not gotten sick, if the loved but germ-infested Rabbit was not doomed to be burned, if he had not been able to wriggle a bit to get out the sack, if a real tear had not trickled down his shabby velvet nose, the Rabbit would not have come at that time into the fullness of being REAL. You could say my eyes come close to dropping off (cataract surgery is scheduled this fall) and my physical appearance is certainly getting shabbier."
That understanding took YEARS to achieve & almost Herculean efforts on Mom's part. It started with her realizing the mourning was a not a denial of God's Providence, but a way to move beyond hidden pain, learning from it instead of denying, shifting from the rigidity of painful past experience to a new flexibility with each fresh present moment. What was my part in it? Teeny, but important, letting her know it was okay to be vulnerable, that she was right that God wants to work with us to lessen pain & use it for good, but that it's done through fellow humans, not directly by the Divine Almighty.
It was no mere happenstance that, just around the time her eyes were pened to the possibility that there might be gifts to be unlocked in past pain, she discovered Christ Has No Body, by Teresa of Avila, which includes wondrous imagery:
Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good,
Yours are the hands, with which he blesses all the world.
Yours are the hands, yours are the feet,
Yours are the eyes, you are his body.
Christ has no body now but yours.
It was as if her inner eyes flew wide open - it wasn't just that SHE was Christ's hands & feet & eyes, but that others were, too. For her. Radical thought, radical acceptance.
The whole concept of how to help olders connect to hidden hurt & pain is one where I can share my personal experience, but can't give much advice, other than to be aware of the problem many of the Greatest Generation share in dismissing their very real, often deeply buried griefs & heartbreaks.
One thing I suggest to friends & to families of clients is that they find someone an older loved one can talk to. Mom's serious challenges called for the expertise of a psychologist, but what's often needed is just another person to talk to, knowing it's confidential. I personally steer clear of anyone trained in geriatric counseling. One grannie client has developed an excellent connection with a licensed social worker, a young woman whose primary focus is helping women transition into motherhood! She focuses on the ALIVE aspects of my friend, not on her age.
Ultimately, on her own, Mom came to realize, to accept that grief was not an offense to God, that sad feelings were normal, that difficult & even deeply hurtful moments might hurt but were not inherently negative. An analogy that came to me helped Mom get to the place where she finally - on her own, not to please me - called for a counseling appointment. It was quite simple - to turn over an engine, a car battery needs both negative & positive energies. We can only strike a healthy balance in our lives by letting it be sparked both the upbeat & heartbreak. Approached with a wholesome, healing attitude, mourning can indeed become electric, illuminating & empowering life.
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