BRAHMA-VIHARAS

 

I doubt it's news to most of my friends that I consider Mom was a Zen master, just as I’m fairly sure they know how much that drove me up a wall.  So, why bring it up AGAIN?

Well, while I suspected ~ alas, post-mortem ~ it was so, it was only yesterday that I was able to flip suspicions to certainty.

Although I'd read about the four brahma-viharas (aka the “four sublime abodes" or "four immeasurables") before, it took until a day ago for the realization to finally dawn that Mom personified embodied manifested three of the four.  

Meta - loving kindness.  Even people who only knew Mom in some minor way were touched by her unusual depth of friendliness.  Those who had more significant connection basked in her good will.  And those blessed to often be in her presence were infused with her loving kindness.  Mom was genuinely concerned for the welfare of every being - even cats, which she did NOT like - in her life radius.  She did not see greed or grasping or ill-will because her being was lit with the light of meta.  

Karuna - compassion.  I recall Mom going to the house of friends' who had lost a child in a tragic accident. Non-family members - lots of them - were hanging around the fringes of the front lawn, hesitating to go in. "What if the family is overwhelmed & doesn't want guests?" they asked among themselves.  Squaring her shoulders, Mom walked up the front path & knocked on the door.  The child's mother opened it wide, took one look at Mom, and practically collapsed in her arms, imploring, "Where is everyone?"  Later, Mom said, "I would rather risk being where I am not needed, that hold back & find out later that I was."  That is compassion, that is true empathy.  Her heart truly trembled in response to others' suffering, and Mom did what she could to alleviate it as best she could.  This little pitcher had big ears - as a child, I heard her counsel friends with all ranges of problems, from difficulties in their marriages to pregnant unmarried daughters to sons considering lighting out for Canada rather than be drafted.  In every situation, Mom showed tenderness with the friends AND empathy for the other - a rare, a very rare display of karuna.

Mudita - sympathetic joy.  There might be people whose penchant for feeling pleasure in the happiness & good fortune of others equaled Mom's, but I seriously doubt anyone exceeded it.  She layered the delight she felt in others' happiness!  I remember when Ceri Holm & Eric Stine married - Mom had to miss the wedding, but shared with me her joy in their happiness AND her memories of the wedding of Ceri's parents, how shy Elaine kept her eyes down the whole way back down the aisle after they were married & how David beamed for both of them. Mom didn't know the meaning of the words competitive or jealous, and could not have faked indifference if her life depended on it.  Mom embodied mudita.

Upekkha - equanimity.  Alas, upekkha was one  "immeasurable" Mom failed to master.  Sadly, she was utterly unable to remain neutral, let alone balanced, in the face of difficult people.  Whether due to devastating challenges she had to face since her late teens or due to her character or for reasons she could never understand, let alone anyone else, Mom could not embrace the precious quality of detachment that is a key part of equanimity.  She didn't simply attach herself to persons & situations, she interwined herself with them so tightly it would have been painful to separate herself out.  If Mom wasn’t able to accept something, she simply reconfigured things so that she could, whether that meant ignoring what was said, interpreting it in an acceptable way, or simply leaving a room.  I, for one, believe that if Mom had learned about upekkha from someone she trusted & admired - someone like her psychologist, Kevyn Malloy - she would have embraced its importance & challenged herself to nail that one, too!  But even without it,  three out of four is pretty darn amazing!  

Namaste, Mom, from a devoted & too-late enlightened daughter.