SOME CAME KNOCKING

Blissed out over the past few days, rereading Still Here, by Ram Dass.   My first reading was soon after its 2000 publication.  Mom & I read it together.  A blessing & a blissing, reading it in tandem - we read it on our own, Mom doing most of her reading during the day, while I was at work, with me taking the evening shift.  Every couple days, we'd connect over a cuppa for a good gab about what we'd read, or we'd be so moved by a particular part that we'd share it immediately with the other.  Even at the time, it was clear that having such a remarkable opportunity was a singular grace.  Reading it again is an equally - yet different - wondrous experience, reflecting over & over the awe-inspiring nature of Mom's eldering journey.

Things happened to Mom that were waaaay outside the norm.  In Chapter 5, Shifting Roles, Ram Dass notes that "most elders don't know, themselves, what it is they have to offer.  And remember that young people won't be coming to our doors saying, 'Hey, old folks, you've got something we want. We need your wisdom & perspective.'"

In Mom's case, they did!  Younger people DID let her know that she had something they valued, that they craved her wisdom & perspective. 

How cool is that? 

Mom sort of stumbled into writing her Mindwalker1910 e-mail postings.  Blogging hadn't taken off yet, but over about an 19-month period ~ Feb 2000-Sept 2001 ~ she shared her memories, thoughts & commentaries with an ever-widening circle of e-mail friends.  She got into it through being part of two very different - in fact, diametrically opposite - online discussion groups.  That participation got her feet wet, but she was still writing under MY e-mail address.  It was a heated discussion with my far-away sister-in-law that made her want her own online identity.  And it grew from that into something very special.

She DID have people - all over the globe - telling her how important what she wrote was to them.  Through their comments, shared & private, Mom came to be aware of her "elder-gifts," something she'd resisted (as do most older people in our culture) for years.  Today, people still share with me how something she wrote over a dozen years ago continues to touch their lives. 

It was NOT easy convincing Mom that what she had to say, her life experience, her perspective of the world - her SELF - had value.  I'd tried for years to make her see the value of what she had to offer & she resisted resisted resisted.  Easier to believe others who diminished the gifts she had to offer.  By myself, I never could have.  What a blessing for her & countless others that some came knocking, letting her know, loud & clear, that they needed her unique wisdom & perspective. 

If realizing that doesn't bliss me out, what could?!?!

SPOOKY WONDERFUL

Beyond amazing that a friend of John's recommended him to a woman whose mother is in a nearby, full-services senior care residence.  The daughter, who lives a good 3 hours away, was hopeful that my artist hubster could get together with her 96-year old mom to do some artwork.

This morning was John's first meeting with his potential client.  We were both taken aback to realize that she is in the medical section of the residence.  It turned out that the woman had suffered some sort of medical situation earlier in the morning & the staff doubted she'd be up for any sort of get together, let alone a drawing session.

While John was meeting with the olderster, I waited at the nurse's station.  On an end table, propped against a lamp, was a darling bear in a pink party dress.  Being a mega stuffie lover from way back, I asked about the sweet thing.  It turned out it belonged to the very woman John was meeting, that she took it everywhere with her. 

Just then, a procession of an aide, a nurse pushing a wheel chair with a very frail old lady in it, and John bringing up the rear, caring drawing supplies, passed me, on the way to the Enrichment Room. 

It was very clear that the woman was not only old & frail, but was in a far more advanced stage of Alzheimer's than had been described.  The staff's faces & demeanor showed they had very little hope of John connecting with her. 

I followed, standing a bit off as John & the frail old woman were seated at a table, the drawing pad in front of her, a box of crayons to her left.  She seemed somewhat distressed, making small noises, not making any eye contact, fidgeting with the top button of her sweater.  The possibility of having any sort of meaningful time with her seemed slim to none.

John reached over and, talking to her, gently undid the top button. She slid the sweater off her shoulders, still without any eye contact with my hubster.  I was keeping out of the picture, since one stranger can be stressful enough.  Watching the two of them, John talking to her in a tender voice, her not responding or even seeming aware of his presence, a thought hit me.  I hoofed it back to the nurse's station, picked up the teddy, and double-timed it back.  Walking slowly & softly to the opposite side of the table, I put the bear down in front of the woman. 

It took a few moments until she focused on the beloved stuffie, but oh - when she did!  Her face lit up & her whole countenance relaxed.  Seizing on the moment, John talked about her bear, keeping his comments general & pleasant. When she responded, looking at him with a smile, he told her about our own bears.  I don't know what else followed, as I tiptoed away.

What were the odds that the bear would be right where it was, when it was?  Coincidence?  I think not.  One thing is for sure - will always remember the procession that came back about 10 minutes later, the woman seeming to be just as unaware as she had going in, but the aide & the nurse & John all grinning away. 

The once dubious nurse was in happy shock - "We didn't think you'd get her to do anything.  We couldn't get her to draw more than a circle!"  Seems that John suggested the elderly artist use the bear as her model.  Did they draw more than a few lines?  No.  Was it a rare meaningful moment for a mind-fogged old lady?  I haven't a doubt.  A painter in her earlier life, John made it possible - on many levels - for her to express her artist soul, even if just an echo.  Will always remember how he responded to her, the tender way he spoke to her, the manner in which he made her feel safe & then drew out the creative energy so long dormant within her.  It might have been just for an instant, but it WAS.

All because of a tender-hearted artist with a talent for connection & compassion and a little bear in a pink party dress.  Spooky wonderful, indeed!

SERIOUSLY???

Still stunned by an article I saw in a well-respected national magazine. It focused on health issues that need addressing throughout a woman's LIFETIME - which tests & exams to get at 20, at 30, at 40 & 50. 

And there, it stopped. 

What's that all about? 

Post-menopausal women don't exist? 

Didn't even bother covering  themselves with a patronizing "60+." Nothing. Nada. 

Sheez...

BULKING UP, BUILDING OUT

My philosophy for preparing to work with "grannie clients" is identical to back in my eons-ago pre-teaching days.  Seemed to my college self that it was way more important to develop myself as a person than to take a curriculum severely limited to "teaching of" technique courses.  Oh, I considered technique important.  It's just that, to me, it seemed to play the secondary role. 

Which explains why my degree from what's now Bryn Athyn College is in Philosophy, with a History minor - -  a radical major for a "New Church" woman back in the early 1970s.  As a sophomore & later as a senior, I was grilled - twice! - by the head of the Ed Dept for the WHY behind what was to him a downright quixotic pursuit. 

How awesomely amazing for a young woman, barely in my twenties, to be forced to explain & defend to a mega authority figure my very reasons for a life pursuit!  

 

Can still hear the department head warning me, "Just because you take an extra year of Ed classes is no guarantee that you'll get a job within the church school system, even if one should arise."   Remember taking a pause & a deep breath before responding, "Yes, Mr. Gladish, I understand that.  But if I don't take the classes & a job opportunity does come up, it's a guarantee that I won't get it."

After taking my degree, I did come back - as I'd always planned - for a 5th year of the very "teaching of" courses I'd bypassed.  And when a job teaching in the local elementary school came up, I was hired! 

 

No one was more surprised than moi that I turned out to be a bit a trailblazer, one of a few women whose actions showed a keen interest in the college's exceptional teachers & learning environment, not just its ed degree.  FYI - today, Bryn Athyn College offers TEN majors! 

I've set out to be a similar trail blazer with elder care.  Yes, I lack what many senior care professionals assume are basic techniques.  I have no expertise in helping with day-to-day life functions.  Nor do I ever expect to.  Still, I've come to give great value to the unusual quality I do bring to my grannie clients & their appreciative families. 

Just as I wasn't done with my preparation back when I got that bachelor's degree, I'm far from finished now.  And what's needed now seems the same as what it was almost forty years ago - learning basic skill sets. Not as in how to help grannies & other grands with day-to-day functional needs.  That's not my area of strength.  But learning & mastering the mechanics of turning whatever it is I do into shareable formats.  I've developed the ME part of what I bring, but it's limited to affecting the quality of life of two, maybe three olders.  It feels like my life purpose is to help others get countless seniors engaged, energized & empowered.  Time to bulk up & build out my shareable skill sets!

Been here before.  In 2013 - as in 1973 - it's time to knuckle down, to get going, to move onward & upward!

THE FAMILY ~ a play in countless acts

It doesn't seem to me that our family was all that different from way too many families - -  we had our assigned roles (assigned by some unknown energy) & were expected, perhaps most by ourselves, to play them as written.  Sometimes drama, sometimes comedy, often satire, it never occurred to me that the best thing would have been to chuck the scripted roles & opt for improv.  

 
What a blessing experiencing Mom going through older age, when she set aside the tried & true roles and sterling performances she'd delivered for almost 90 years.  She'd arrived at the great AH HA! that "growth keeps right on going, ideally right out of the ceilings of our cramped opinion."  How truly awesome to experience her stepping away from those cramped opinions, aka old roles, into an unfamiliar light.  She stopped following the lines some unknowable force had written for her, choosing instead to wing it, improvising within the moment.

 THE  FAMILY brings a different meaning to "home theater."   So, shift from Tennessee Williams & Lillian Hellman to Second City & Christopher Guest.  Improvise!  Let people in your lives develop within the present moment, in response to present circumstances, rather than acting out an assigned part.  Instead of continually reviving theatre pieces complete with scripts & staging, let's create lives out of whatever there is, experience where it comes from & see where it goes to. 
 
How many times in my life have I wanted to know where a situation was going to end up, how a "scene" would resolve itself?  One of the great things learned from my husband has been that we don't - can't - KNOW how things will resolve, that all we can do is turn in the best performance we can with what props are at hand.  And if we don't take a shine to where that takes us, we can try a different spin the next time.  There is no final curtain, just endless opportunities to develop grow expand. 
 
It was REALLY hard for Mom to give up the expectation that her role was to be the mother, the person who kissed the boo boos & stepped up with solutions to her kids' problems.  It was REALLY hard for her to stop casting herself in the adult role, with me & my sibs in the children's roles.  It was REALLY hard for her older children to stop seeing her in a maternal role & recast her in a whole new role, whatever that might be for them. 
 
Many people are great fans of THE  FAMILY.  It can simplify life, with its easy-to-grasp roles & lines & scenarios.  Better to be forever cast in a role than have to constantly write your own lines & blocking.  With improv, you're forced to build off of whatever the others hand you, which means letting it register in the first place. 

Living within an improv environment helps as our loved ones grow seriously older, with all the challenges & even heartbreaks associated with advancing years & frailer selves.  If we've been improvising with what's at hand, then the challenges of a frailer body, even a challenged mind are experienced as another change of scene, rather than a rewrite of an established role. 

In an improv setting, THE  FAMILY  differs from day to day, from moment to moment.  It easily adjusts changing circumstances, whether joyful (an accomplishment, wedding, a birth, an accomplishment) or daunting (a job loss, a divorce, a death).  If the core idea is to develop spontaneous performance, rather than refine a set role within a given script, then we can adjust & readjust throughout life times. 

This seems especially important with older people, particularly with significantly older people.  Perhaps one family member feels strongly that because Mom is almost 90, she shouldn't be making her own medical decisions.  Another might be distressed that 60+ Dad balks at drawing up plans to turn over the family business.  They see their parents through the prism of expected roles.  Imagine how different the experience if they saw their parents as sharp as a tack at 89 or expecting to work for as long as he's capable.     
 
Improv actors build off of each other's performance, stimulated & inspired by what they experience in the here & now rather than repeating words on a page written by an absent, maybe long-dead playwright.  Great improv is all about interchange, the building of performance between two people or within an ensemble.  No interchange, no improv, even if it's just the audience yelling out situations or providing props. And it can take off into unexpected directions at the drop of a baseball hat or the suggestion of "you're a penquin."  Sometimes it's okay, sometimes mediocre or flat or lousy, but then there's that jewel of an unforgettable performance. 
 
Child, sibling, co-worker, spouse, widow, elderly.  Move past such roles, with ourselves & with others.  Help create opportunities for individual performance, whatever it might be at any given moment.  With older friends & loved ones, that means creating fostering developing environments where they are free to express themselves, to keep on growing, right out of the cramped confines of restrictive roles. Role play rather than play a set role.  
 
Perhaps the greatest challenge for a person getting up there in years is no longer knowing what lines they are meant to speak, no longer sure of the role they're expected to play.  They can feel abandoned on life's stage, in a relentless spotlight, unable to speak or turn or even exit.  It might not be now, it might not be for years & years, but all of us will ultimately be thrust out of our set roles & into inescapable improvisation, reacting to unexpected twists & turns.  How much better for all if we're old hands at running with whatever comes next.
 
As traditional theater, THE  FAMILY - with its countless acts - limits restricts confines.  As improv, it allows individuals & the greater whole to create & recreate, to respond to changes as the norm, to deliver great performances within the available space, however large or small, and time, however long or short.   

 

FREE-RANGE AGING

That term sings to me!  Makes me envision countless olders, released from imposed cages - however pleasant - experiencing all that they can!

FREE-RANGE LIVING

As I waited yesterday for a grannie client, realized that over 30 minutes went by without seeing a single face - except staff & companions - under seventy.  Gave me pause.  Realized anew the importance of getting older relatives & loved ones OUT into the bigger, broader world. 

Today is Wednesday, which means taking a grannie client up to Centre Bridge Inn to hear the awesome Barbara Trent deliver her wondrous jazz stylings.  When we walk in, folks at the bar - kids in their 60s & 70s - will turn & break out into greetings, happy as all get out at my g.f.'s arrival.  They'll call her by name & ask how she is.  At least one will come over to our table to give her a big hug.  The bartender will bring over her favorite drink, without it being ordered, just as she likes it - house vodka, straight up, rocks on the side, no garnish.  She will wordlessly commune with Barbara, the two of them having long ago formed a mutual admiration society.

Did I mention that my g.f. will turn 93 next month?  That she's faced increasing memory problems for many years?  Yes, she doesn't nip down the flight of steps to the tavern room like she did twenty years ago & is blessed that her friends take having to repeat themselves totally in stride.  Her attitude, her zest for life, seems undiminished.  

Would that be possible if she was more or less confined to her senior residence, as pleasant as it is?  Is it probable she remains engaged, energized & empowered because of her free-range lifestyle, going out on rambles & even adventures, rather than staying confined to her apartment, the facility, or the very nice bus that takes groups to the mall & on outings?